bon adventures

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Letter to my City

Dear Vancouver,

I have been living in you for three months now, and I have some questions for you.

First of all, where did you put the sun? Why haven't I seen it for days? Do you really like the colour grey so much that you cover the sky with it on a daily basis?

Why do your citizens walk so slowly? And why is grocery shopping a family affair with Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Kids, Stroller, and Cart? This doesn't seem very efficient at all.

Why can't I ever turn left? An advanced green arrow here and there wouldn't hurt. Or do you just like Zoolander so much that you think if supermodel Derek Zoolander can't turn left, then no one should be able to?

Why are annoying, untrained dogs allowed in stores? Especially that one with its self-centered owner and her Sugar Daddy. Were they Americans? Speaking of Americans, can you please inform all drivers crossing the border that it is mandatory to use signal lights because Canadians cannot read Americans' minds. (Obviously, because they voted for that President not once, but twice!)

Why do you have a Starbucks on every single block, and sometimes two on the same block? Are you drugging your citizens into quiet submission, so that when an Alien Spaceship lands with that Mermaid plastered on the side, we won't be scared, we'll just stand in line to get an Espresso Enema? And it's not even good espresso.

Now, I must commend you on the beautiful plants and trees that are still green, and flowers that are still blooming. I also appreciate the relationship you have with The Ocean. She certainly is your "Better Half." She's like Brittney Spears, and you're like K-Fed, so don't mess it up like he did. However, I believe you are not a talentless city, and there is hope for you two to live together happily for many years. That is, until you make her mad, and she goes all Tsunami on your ass.

Thank-you for considering my questions. I would like some answers at your earliest convenience.

Bonnie M.
(Somewhat displaced and disgruntled... but only somewhat.)


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